I have just awakened to a dark realization recently. I also feel foolish that I have not thought of it earlier. In fact, I wonder at my lack of conscience in the matter.  

The thing is, I am not a very good friend to anyone, at all.

I couldn’t even bring myself to find a good excuse for this weakness. It was something that an old friend of mine brought up recently – that I haven’t made an effort to keep in touch. I realized that this simple form of communication has been lost to me – the fact of putting in the energy to say ‘hi’ to a single person on IM, let alone to call, email, or invite them to hang out with me, is such a daunting process that I avoid it entirely. 

I wonder, sometimes, at this faulty human behavior of mine. Why am I so horrible at communicating with others on a consistent, long-term basis? The essence of civilization is in the art and manner of speaking, listening and understanding one another, and yet, I have trouble being the sort of amiable character that takes the time and effort to do such a thing.

And here I am in the study of medicine which will require all of that, if not more. 

Let me try to explain a little bit of the reasoning I have procured on what I consider my biggest human fault:

There are a very, very select number of people with whom I can speak freely about all sorts of subjects without having to consider that they will misunderstand me when I speak plainly and frankly. 

With most others, I feel like I have to be on my utmost best politically correct behavior to avoid unnecessary drama if I say something that was misconstrued as being an attack on them or someone they respect. Thus, I feel disinclined to speak to them except on subjects such as the weather and… maybe the weather again, and that makes the time pass very… insipidly.

There are also others who, without looking at their message, you have the sudden premonition that they will be asking a favor of you. I really do enjoy helping people, until I feel that I am taken for granted and that my services are required at every opportunity in which I speak to said person. It becomes a heavy burden when people only speak to you only to benefit from the short discourse (with maybe a mention of your well-being added as a post-script). Have you ever felt the sudden weight on your shoulders when you receive a voicemail message from someone who you know is calling to ask you for something? It makes picking up the phone that much more difficult. 

Then there are the drama calls. I have a love-hate relationship with them. I love to give advice and try to help set things straight, but to do so require a lot of time, energy, anxiety and thinking. I know that people sometimes do not need a problem-solver on the other end; instead, they need just a kind listener to be willing to take the brunt of all the angst, elation, and sadness that couldn’t be exposed otherwise to the public. It is such an honor to be trusted by these people who delve to you these dramatic events of their lives, and yet it is also such a burden to try to understand the etiology behind their awesome situations. It is akin to, oh perhaps, planning a large-scale wedding, I suppose. Perhaps that is why I have been receiving less and less phone calls about life-changing situations… maybe I am not a convincing enough of a listener… or maybe I have really become so disillusioned that I have begun to shut out even my closest friends. There are days when I miss being in the center of all the drama going on around me. Now I feel as if I’ve placed myself in the outskirts of such a circle… to neither be found, nor heeded, by anyone.

So I guess I have just anesthetized myself to the art of human communication as my life trudges tirelessly on. It is a fault that I have just recently discovered and that I hope to conquer within the next 5 years or so. True friendship should cross all boundaries of negativity in thought, especially the idea that the friendship itself has become a burden… a blemished belief that has settled on me in recent years. I will certainly try to find my lost humanity in this situation and learn the inspiration of what is known to be unconditional friendship.